Where am I heading to again ?
Look, the title of the article might let you think I once knew where I was going but really, I have always been lost in this life, lol. To be true to myself, I gotta say I have been living as if I was on a boat, in the middle of the ocean, just waiting to see where the wind would lead me to.
Growing up, I had dreams and expectations but now, I am just pretending to live life to its fullest when it’s obvious that I’m faking it. I am just waiting for the time to go on. Craving for some time alone or for an opportunity to leave my routine and smile a little bit more.
I don’t know exactly when it started. Maybe at the beginning of the year when I realized I would be doing the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life: work.
The company where I work might change, my job title might change, the salary might change, I might love what I am gonna do next more than what I do now but still… I will be working for the rest of my life and I hate that.
I don’t hate the job I do, I just hate the reason why I am doing it : money.
Not the paper itself, obviously, but everything you can have when your purse is full. The food, the fun, the trips… even the beauty.
I wish everything I do, every tiny effort I do, every single concept I develop, every sweat on my forehead would be more meaningful. I wish my creativity and writing skills would do more than bringing money to people: I wish it would make their lives better.
A couple of years ago, when I came back from SUSI 2015 (Study of the US Institute), I had found a way to make my life useful and actually enjoy it: I started helping people. Developing social projects, imagining and implementing ways to make other’s lives (and also mine) better.
Ahora, I don’t have this anymore because my energy has to be fully dedicated to my job. When I am back from work, the only thing I want to do after all this stress and this “socialization” is to have some quality time alone. Therefore, all my social projects have practically died. And so did the part of my soul that they had awakened.
Today, I am lost. I keep wondering: “ is this going to be my life? Counting the hours when at work, waiting for the weekends and holidays to come… am I going to do that until I die? And if so… is my life supposed to be that useless ? ”.
Yeah, depressing, lol. But that is what I am undergoing now so if you have tips, solutions or I don’t know… cheering formulas : I am here for it !
Feel free to share with me if you have or have had a similar experience. I would love to read about it. See you at the next post !
